Sex and Salt Lake City

So What / P!nk

i’m obsessed with knowing the weather in Seattle and San Francisco.  this is partially to get me excited about the fact that in two years i will most likely be moving to one of those places.  i can’t help but get excited about places that have clouds and rain generally on their forecast.  i love clouds and rain.  i hate extreme heat and extreme snow.  why am i living here again?  oh yeah, i kind of like some people here.

this coming week it is raining in seattle.  so jealous.  because although they have promised clouds in salt lake i know they are lying.  they also promise highs maxing out at 92, this would also be a lie.  92 in the shade?  maybe if your thermometer doesn’t count higher than 92.  ugh.

and in san francisco?  what else?  mid sixties, partly cloudy, and fog in the early morning.  it is only possible for me to imagine heaven in a place like san francisco.  and the fact that they allow gays to marry?  icing on the freaking cake.

this just in: i’m moving to san francisco… right now.

7 Things / Miley Cyrus

The Hills returns to MTV tonight.  I have to say that I’m a bit torn on the issue; should I start up my addiction to crack again, or should I continue my months of well attended rehab.

I guess the real (albeit run on) question is:  Do I get that excited about the thought of seeing Lo and Audrina face off?  Do I really care whether Lauren and Stephanie remain friends?  Do I need to spend another season staring at Heidi’s face guessing how many procedures she is away from becoming Michael Jackson?  Do I want to watch each episode in the sheer and utter hope that this will be the season that Speidi will suddenly be run over and subsequently killed by a large poop encrusted bus?

The answer?  Yes, Yes I do.

No Handlebars / Flowbots

beth and i were walking dumbass late the other night and when we returned home to find that she had been locked out.  while we were trying to find keys to get her in the house we realized that dumbass was missing.  so we quietly tried calling him and scanning the dark bushes to find him when suddenly i noticed extra sloshing from my mother’s koi pond (yet another remodel).

dumbass had somehow gotten himself into the pond, but since the walls are high (or the pond is deep, whatever) he was unable to get himself out.  so he kept swimming around and around until beth and i realized that one of us was going to have to get in the pond and push the 65 lb golden retriever out.  being that beth is a hippie who hardly ever wears shoes, and wears shorts that really epitomize the name “shorts” she was the clear candidate.  i got to move the front end of this genius bus.

we finally got him out, without waking the neighborhood and then had to drag him away from the pond into the yard because he wanted to get back in.  i call him dumbass and yet i’ve dated men dumber than him.  so who is really the dumbass here?  let’s not answer that question.

All The Small Things / Blink 182

Kit has an adorable sister, Em, and a hippie older brother, Dwight.  Kit’s family is infinitely cooler than mine so sometimes I pretend that they are my family by stalking hanging out with them as much as possible.  Kit makes this very hard because she doesn’t live in town anymore, but Em makes up for this by hanging out with me when she isn’t busy producing adorably well-behaved genetically superior children.  sit on it, brangelina.

not to make it sound like Em is a baby machine, she has two children.  it’s just that i imagine with the way that they act, look, and smell a lot of work went into producing such adorable children.  kit’s mother calls them “false advertising”.  if i thought that all children would become those two, I would have lots of children.  but i know better.  my children will inevitably be hairless monkey versions of rosemary’s baby.

it seems that my only chance at awesome children would be if Dwight were available, which he isn’t.  so there goes that plan.  It isn’t to say that Aiden doesn’t have awesome genes, they just might not be enough to save our children.  and when the apocalypse comes we all know who to blame… I wasn’t the one who wanted kids.

Dumpweed / Blink 182

the other day i was visiting the workplace Starbucks when i saw a priest from my high school.  suddenly i felt very aware of the fact that i was NOT WEARING A PROPER JUDGE MEMORIAL CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL APPROVED UNIFORM!  I was wearing a sweater that was neither navy blue nor itchy wool.  and there might have been GUM IN MY MOUTH! and i was pretty sure that I had nail polish on but not enough time to check.

I was about to shrink against the wall hoping that Father Norman wouldn’t see me when I realized that I GRADUATED 6 YEARS AGO… which means that I can totally wear what I want, bitches.  Ahem.  Please don’t tell Father Norman that I just swore.

And then something even more horrific happened.  I heard myself say, “Good afternoon, Father Norman” loudly enough that he could hear me.  It is like seeing a cop so you slam on your brakes and then realizing that you weren’t speeding in the first place… so you get out of your car, take off your shirt, and wave it at the cops.

I was strangely terrified of adults when I was in high school, almost as much as I was of getting GASP! detention. and I guess some broken part of my brain is trying to fix this by reminding myself that in some circles I am now known as one of those adult-type-persons.  Weird.

So I had a pretty normal/awkward conversation where I learned that Father Norman is now the priest for my hospital.  Meaning that I get to have many more exchanges just like this one, so myabe I will become used to the encounters and not freak out so much.  More likely I might have to start wearing a Judge uniform just to be on the safe side of not peeing my pants at work.